stop it

Once in a while, my writing takes a serious turn.  Such is the case in this letter.  If you're searching for the fun things going on in the Kenobi household, skim ahead to other posts.  Or, for a fun clip and good advice, check out this link here.



November 15, 2010

Dear Mr. Bully,

Over the past year, you've gone from friend to foe in our household.  You've sent a vicious and relentless string of written and spoken tirades.  You've accused me of everything from ruining your marriage (which, may I remind you, was all but over before we knew one another), to ruining your career (which you had sorely neglected long before we met), to trying to steal your child (this one I can't even dignify, because it's so absurd).  You've sent vile and threatening messages to me, my husband, and my friends.  You've posted about me on social networking sites, and used others' accounts to stalk me online.  You've even written on my personal, (somewhat private) blog, and demanded I accommodate you by publishing your personal information there, as if it is a place for you to carry out your closing arguments against me.

When I've blocked your emails, you've changed accounts and forwarded messages to avoid spam filters.  When I've avoided you in person, you've followed me and hovered near enough to remain intimidating.  When I've told you to stop contacting me, you've replied - sometimes with crazy theories about why I deserve your attacks.  You've even text messaged me, asking for time and influence with my children.  (Are you kidding?!?!)  You'll tell any listening ear or reading eye that I'm a horrible person, and you're full of false accusations about me, my family, and our friends.  You've tried to vilify me to other parents and staff at our children's school.  You've lurked around me and my kids on the playground, watching our every move, and even parked yourself right outside my child's classroom.   You've spewed epic, extremist slurs of hatred and judgement against me and others, but never acknowledged the harm of your own words and behaviors.  You've been hateful, mean, and ridiculous.

You are, in every sense of the word, a complete bully.

Frankly, I think you are a jerk and an abuser, a coward who takes advantage of the immeasurable amount of grace others have shown you.  You are willing to hurt anyone - even your own spouse, child, and friends - to try to make yourself look right. You relentlessly use me and others as scapegoats for your own failures, blaming us for the consequences of your choices, instead of making something productive of your life.  And I, for one, am done putting up with it silently.

I have a life, a family, friends, and interests.  I have concerns, work, and relationships my own.  I have a real, imperfect, and yet vibrantly growing relationship with the God that you claim is condemning me.  Guess what - the bible you love to misuse says that God doesn't condemn me.  Moreover, he is incredibly loving and gracious!  If you knew Him, you'd know that.  In fact, because I know God and his grace, I have forgiven you and wish you complete healing.   However, I will not create space for you to hurt us any further.  I have moved on, sir, and I've left you and your angry malice in the past.

Let's be clear: I am not asking you to apologize for all of the hurtful things you've said, though an apology is certainly deserved.  I'm not asking you to repay the wasted hours we've spent listening to you and responding carefully.  Nor do I ask that you acknowledge the crushing disappointment of realizing that good friends and a supportive community would not help you start on a path toward health.  I'm not asking you to agree or compromise with anyone, nor be supportive of me, my family, or my friends.  I'm not even asking you to focus your professional expertise, training, and time doing some actual work.  It is frustrating, however, that you claim to pursue justice for the oppressed, yet seem content sitting at your computer and going after innocent people relentlessly and maliciously.

Honestly, you've caused many people to wonder if you've completely lost it and are able of carrying out some of the threats you spout against them.  You could get help, change and repair some of this damage, but I suspect you may continue wasting your time and talents.  Get counseling, get a job, or get a new fantasy.   Live in truth, or live a lie.  Do what you want with your life - just leave mine alone!

Whether you are incredibly evil or incredibly crazy, I can't figure out.  It doesn't matter, because I don't want to hear from you again.  Ever.  I'm telling you the same thing I've told you dozens of times before: Leave. Me. Alone.

I'm done asking you and finished pleading with you.  I am demanding that you cease any and all contact with me.  I have a right to be free from your harassment and intimidation.  My children have a right to be free from worry about what you're plotting against their mother.  My husband has the right to work without your relentless and ridiculous attacks.   Stop contacting us, stop stalking me, and stop using my name, presence, and reputation as the excuse for every problem in your sorry life.  I'm not at fault, and I'm tired of being a victim of your insecurities and delusions.

And for the other readers of this blog, the ones who wonder why I went from posting regularly about our life to carefully avoiding this bully, well...  now you know a little bit of the story.   I have spent far too much time and energy putting up with his crazy, malicious, pathetic attacks.  This is my blog, and I'm choosing to speak out.


Sincerely,
MamaToo

applesauce

It was late start day at school this morning, so I made applesauce and pancakes for breakfast.  Fresh, delicious apples are well-stocked at all of our local produce spots, so we have plenty of yummy autumn snacks around here.  This was such a hit and so easy I could probably pull it off on a regular day's schedule.  In any case, I figured somebody else might appreciate the recipe (adapted from a handout at our grocery store).

Apple Sauce
2-3 lbs apples (about 5-6)
1/2 C water
several shakes of cinnamon (and/or other appropriate spices)

Wash and cut the apples into chunks (no need to peel).
Combine apples & water in a sauce pan.
Cook, covered, until apples are soft (about 20 minutes or so for us).
Pour apples & liquid into a food processor and puree to desired consistency.  The original recipe recommended leaving it chunky, but baby Obi likes it a little smoother, so that's how we roll.

Enjoy!

three seconds

This evening, I suggested that Obi-2 have more water after dinner.  I commented that I noticed he really didn't drink much water at lunch each school day.  (I knew this because his water bottle, attached to his lunch box, rarely bares signs of use.)  Obi-2 replied that he does too drink water - in fact, he drinks all three seconds at the water fountain.


All three seconds?  What in the world did he mean?

Turns out, the children at our elementary school line up for water breaks twice each day.   Each child gets a chance to have a drink of water at the fountain. When it is his turn, the children behind him chant "one-one-thousand, two-one-thousand, three-one-thousand, go!"  Then, the turn is over, and the next child gets the same chant, the same three-second opportunity at the fountain, and the whole thing continues.

I was incredulous at this story, but Obi-2 seemed matter-of-fact.  I turned to Obi-1, who affirmed that this is their system.  Neither boy seemed to have a second thought about it.  I needed clarification.  What, I asked, if they were still thirsty after three seconds?  They go back to the end of the line.  Obi-1 said that once, the drinking fountain wasn't working very well, and he barely got a drink during his three seconds.  He had to go to the back of the line several times before he had really gotten a drink.  Usually, however, they only get one turn.

Grown ups in the room: think about this for one moment.  When you're thirsty, what do you do?  When you're at your office, or in your living room, and another person takes a drink, do you count out loud, then expect them to stop after an arbitrary few seconds?  What is possibly the logic behind three seconds for a drink?   Is this the answer to the challenges of diversity in urban classrooms - giving everyone equal access to the water fountain?  Good grief.  It's not prison - it's kindergarten!

Sorry for the sudden outburst and lack of optimism.  I just had to share the latest moment from our dinner table conversation.  Moreover, I'm thirsty.  So start your stopwatch - I'm headed for a drink.

riding into the sunset

Welcome to the end of our September.  Thirty days, 92 miles on our van (woot woot!).  I didn't keep track, but my best guess is nearly 600 miles on our bikes.  That was our primary mode of "transportation," although we did a lot of walking, too.  In short, we did it.  We managed to drive under 100 miles on the van in the whole month of September!  We weathered rain (pun intended).  We hauled groceries (yes, I'll take some help out with those bags, thank you).  We survived all of it without major incident, injury, or insanity.  We got to school, every day, on time (possibly the biggest miracle of all).  We even earned a bit of a reputation as "that biking family."  Again, woot woot!

While I'm frankly surprised by my own stamina and perseverance, I have to say that the biggest applause goes to the boys.  Obi-1 rode all of his biking miles on his own.  He is, as they say in Bike City, 100% kid-powered.  This is particularly impressive as he turned 7 years old in the early part of this month.  I know a great many 7-year-olds who aren't riding on two wheels, much less leading a pack on the city street commute, complete with signals, traffic knowledge, and incredible leadership.  Obi-2, not to be outdone at only 5 years old, rode about 60% of the time on his own bike.  He hopped on our "trail-a-bike" or in the trailer for a few longer or rainier trips, but has proven himself a respectable biker and able to keep up with older kids without the advantage of shifting gears.  Obi-3, of course, also wins big kudos for patiently riding all of the "and back" portions of the school drop-off & pick-up, grocery and library errands mid-day, and camping out in the seat or trailer for meetings, soccer practices, and every other little adventure.  He kept his sippy cup from falling onto the street most days, and has become pretty adept at playing travel theme songs on the kazoo.  Plus, he safely wins the prize for "cutest in a helmet."

I have to admit, I kind of like biking.  I recall liking it a few years ago, when we first really got into it as a family.  Back then, I would haul both older boys around in the trailer - mostly to & from school - and Mr. Kenobi and I would enjoy many "family bike rides" with the boys toted around behind us.  Midway through my pregnancy (and winter) with Obi-3, I stopped riding, and we had to wait for family bike rides until he was old enough to wear that adorable helmet and ride along.  In the meantime, friends who didn't even ride bikes have become carless, bike-only families.  Families at school have taken the charge to bike and organized events and trains.  Meanwhile, I sat in my minivan quite comfortably, thank-you-very-much.  I probably averaged about 400 miles per month on my van, plus extras if there was a big trip or vacation (say, 4500 miles in a summer month!), or if I got stir-crazy and went on a bunch of errands just to get out of the house.

Now I'm back on the saddle, and the older boys have grown into their own two wheels.  It's quite different to go anywhere, constantly watching them in addition to eyeing traffic, road hazards, and the route.  It's the best and worst of multi-tasking, and it sometimes brings out the best and worst of me.  Still, I love the crunch of the leaves under my wheels almost as much as Obi-2, who swerves into the gutters to see the swirl of color around his wheels.  I love how much Obi-1 delights in the chirps of crickets, and listening with him as we lead a bike train of friends back from an evening church service.  I even like Obi-3's slippered feet kicking me, begging for their lounging spot on my seat as he giggles at me tickling his toes in return.

There's more, too.  It was good to pedal out aggression, frustration, or apathy before it found a way into my words or expressions.  I'm thankful for the moments of after-school peace that biking has afforded us, smoothing out some of the rough edges from these first weeks of classes and forcing everyone to take some deep breaths.  It's nice to have a built-in conversation starter when meeting new people, and I've chuckled at how quickly people recognized that if I could do this, anyone can!  I've allowed myself to be just lazy enough that I wouldn't head out to the store for one item, since it would require a walk or bike ride, and instead I used what I had on hand.  Still, it was good to push myself (and the kids) to be prepared early so there's time to get everyone safely transported, locked, and unloaded at our destination.

As rewards for their contributions, I got the boys bike gloves.  They were delighted.  Tomorrow may be the first day of October, and next week we'll be leading a "bike train" of parents and kids on our route to school.  As days get shorter, colder, and wetter, we'll put on warmer clothes and stay flexible.

For now, I thank everyone for helping and encouraging us, and I pass on the challenge to you.  Yes, YOU.  The Kenobi family walked, biked, rode the train, and stayed put this month.  We combined errands and thought through our real needs before going out.  We asked for help from others, carpooled, and prioritized.  I lost weight and pants sizes.  We lost time on the freeway, but gained time with each other on the roads.  We went an entire month on very few miles.

I don't challenge anyone to save the world or pretend you could by pedaling around town, but I do think you might, as I did, find some value in this experiment.  Our own ongoing challenge will continue: we hope to average about 200 miles or less on our car each month in the coming year, except for major trips and vacations.  This doubles our mileage of September's challenge, allowing a little more driving for weather and wants, yet demanding that we keep practicing efficiency.  To go a whole year at under 2500 miles means we will get outside quite a bit.

What is possible for you?  What might you learn, gain, or lose in the process?  Let me know...

Love,
MamaToo

challenging exercise

Well, it's halfway through September, and that means we're halfway through this challenge!  In 15 days, we've managed to bike, walk, carpool, or just avoid going many places.  The boys are getting very competent in biking, and I've often reflected that this is a little like teaching them to drive, with all the worries and tempers and instructions that go into putting one's baby on the road.  While certainly different than handing them my keys, it is an exercise in faith, communication, and persistence to put a 5 & 7 year-old on their own bikes amidst urban traffic.   I'm glad I have 10 more years before they're asking to drive the minivan - maybe, just maybe, they'll ask for a new bike instead.  (ha!)

So, what have we learned?  First of all, there are costs of driving everywhere.  Gas, of course, and maintenance on the vehicle, are costs of loading up the minivan.  However, there's also the cost of not seeing, experiencing, or knowing things while riding blissfully along in our vehicle.  The leaves, which are starting to change here, and the few that have fallen crunch happily under the boys tires, remind me I might not have enjoyed the start of autumn nearly as much without experiencing those sites and sounds.  There are several routes to our school, but the primary one - the most direct with bike lanes & traffic signals - is so noisy and trafficked that we have enjoyed the quiet of several neighboring streets, even if they take a bit more time and caution.  I've learned to ask for, and accept, help - like the friends who are willing to include a couple items for me when they go to Costco, so I don't have to make my own 20-mile trip.   Finally, there is a "decompression" period that biking, and its allowance for some solitude, active attention, and physical exertion build into the beginning and end of each school day.  This is a very healthy addition to our commute, and not having it before was probably a cost I hadn't recognized.

There are also considerable costs to choosing against driving.  Time, for example.  We have to build in extra time for getting places, and on top of the difference in speed, I hadn't realized that every trip would require an extra ten minutes - five to get the bikes, helmets, et al out of the shed & ready to go, and five to load and lock bikes at our destination.  In the first few days, it was even more time as we all figured out the best system for loading & unloading!  I hadn't counted on this, and was easily frustrated when our early starts and extra time melted away, minute by minute.  Another big cost is convenience; instead of running a quick errand here and there, or heading back when one item is forgotten, or happily meeting up with several people in several different places, I need to to "measure twice and bike once," to avoid making extra trips anywhere.  There is a cost for equipment, like additional lights and safety gear, that probably takes the place of gas in this particular challenge.  And the more obvious loss: calories.  Of course, this may be a good thing, given that my pants are looser.  Still, it must be accounted for as I find I'm actually worn out if I skip eating a meal or snack during the day, and there's no good way to grab a bite while pedaling!

Finally, in the interest of full disclosure, I want to be clear that this isn't a car-less month for us.  While I'm aiming to keep driving my vehicle to a minimum, we have adopted some habits of a one-vehicle household.  This means we sometimes drive Mr. Kenobi's car on the weekends (like when going to multiple shops to find a new bike for Obi-1, or crossing town for our first soccer game, or getting home from my 10K run).  Also, he has driven himself to work often, and I'm not asking him to join the challenge or count his driving (given his 24-mile roundtrip commute, it's a big commitment each time he does bike!)  To be clear, I don't see any of this as cheating on our 100-mile challenge.  I still carefully plan my time & trips during each week, and my goal is to limit miles my own vehicle.  While haven't put many collective miles on his car, we probably couldn't pull this challenge off otherwise.

For those keeping track, here are the numbers:

• 32 miles driven on the minivan
• 15 days into the challenge
• 8 school days
• 4 soccer practices
• 4 neighbor/friend kids who've biked with us on at least one trip
• 4 new bike lights, attached with zip ties to the Obi's helmets
• 3 falls or accidents, resulting in minor injuries
• 3 family bike rides for a meal or other excursion 
• 3 mid-week grocery stops after school, picking up small things with 3 kids
• 2 trips riding with a neighbor or friend, instead of driving myself
• 2 sets of fenders, to keep mud from streaking our backs
• 1 new bike (Obi-1's birthday present, which also meant Obi-2 got to "move up")
• 1 trip to the bike shop to fix my brakes
• 1 major grocery run, with a full, heavy trailer of groceries and impatient kids afterward
• 1 rainstorm

The real test continues.  I have "budgeted" for some major accumulated driving in the coming days, and if I do all of it, we only have about 23 miles of unaccounted-for time on the van this month.  It doesn't look like the weather will cooperate, and we may have soggy leaves instead of the pleasant crunch we've enjoyed.  It's starting to get colder, and the daylight time is shrinking.  Yesterday, as we left the school building on bikes, it began to rain.  By the time we got home, we were all pretty wet, and this morning, it was pouring.  I asked the boys if they'd rather ride in the car, but they actually wanted to bike to school.  So, I prepared to haul Obi-2 & Obi-3 in the trailer while Obi-1 donned his new rain gear.  Unfortunately, he has misplaced his rain coat, so we did end up driving.  In some ways, I was honestly relieved, although it was a little odd to load into the van and back out of the driveway!   I'm pretty sure that we'll have some other chances to get soaked again soon, and hopeful we'll still meet our goal while the boys stay enthused.  I'll keep you posted.

Oh - and one more new experience.  Yesterday, while biking home from the store, towing a trailer, and baby Obi-3 happily seated behind mine, I heard a whistle aimed my way.  Yup... the type of thing you only see in movies where pretty women walk by construction sites!    That, my friends, has never happened while I was driving a minivan.  

100 mile challenge

We're trying something brave around here. For the month of September, we're going to try to drive fewer than 100 miles on the minivan. Instead of driving, we'll use our feet, bikes, transit, and carpool arrangements.

There are a few important factors to this challenge. School starts next week, and the drop-off & pick-up alone could rack up over 30 miles in the car, so hopefully we can manage to get to and from kindergarten (and 2nd grade) without help from the "tour bus." Greater challenge will be the random errands that I run, often combined with a drive to school, which will now need to be combined into a single-route loop with careful planning for cargo space. The added time to do all of our outings will be interesting to coordinate with the routine I hope to offer Obi-3, so I'm not sure how naps, feeding, and general activities will work for him. I will have to plan well, as we have several commitments that are over 15 miles round-trip, and we'll need the van for people and stuff in those outings. Then, there's our church services, which have moved locations to quite a trek from our house. I'm not sure that Obi-1 will be able to pull it off on his own bike.

Yes, I said on his own bike. The majority of our biking, to and from school, soccer, dance, and etc. will require both older boys to ride their own bike. As we rode home from our first outing yesterday morning, I realized that I didn't even know how to pedal a two-wheeler when I was 5 years-old, much less had to ride in the street safely. Obi-2 is doing great, though, and following the excellent example of his older brother in learning all the safety factors of a bike commute. Thankfully, we also live in the "bike friendliest" city, making it a little easier to ride.

One hundred miles seems like a lot, but I'm painfully aware of how much I use my van, and it's going to be a stretch to cut it down to this limit. I take encouragement from friends who have completely given up their cars, and I'm learning from their lifestyles of efficiency and limits. While none have three young children and the variety of activities we take on, they do have work, childcare, and other commitments that give me a good example. I'm hoping that their insight will help me modify not just this month, but general habits for our family transportation.

And yes, I get the irony - we drove over 4,500 miles in the month of July, and now I'm looking to go fewer than 100 in a month. That was a road trip, and this is life!

Still, I'm not overly confident that we can make this work. I'm concerned about weather cooperating. It won't take too many days like yesterday, where it rained all through our bike trip and morning meetings, to discourage us all. I'm also curious to see if we can actually get up, fed, dressed, collected, and out the door each morning in time for school, anyway. Add to that challenge the extra time for riding and locking up bikes, and we just might need an extra dose of discipline and grace around here! All things pretty much have to work really well in order for us to reach our goal, but at this early stage, we're all on board.

Anyway, cheer me on, or laugh from afar if you like. The 100-mile challenge is on.