A woman was there with her two young children. The woman looked like she had pulled her clothes out of the hamper and left the house without checking the mirror - no makeup, hair haphazardly pulled back, etc. The older child looked about 4, and he had probably dressed himself, as he was in a bright orange running suit with lizard rain boots. The younger was also in rain boots, which is a little odd because it's bright and sunny today.
Anyway, she was searching the stacks, apparently for a specific book, and her kids were ignoring her frequent pleas to "stay put" and "don't touch that." Finally, she found whatever she was looking for. You think she'd have taken off at that moment, but no - she came around the corner and into the childrens' area.
The kids area a B&N is pretty cool, aside from the intricate displays of books that are just begging to be knocked over by eager little hands. Her kids were everywhere - when one would head for the trains table, the other was randomly pulling books from the shelves and bringing them to the woman. She'd glance up, acknowledge them quickly, and then return to searching. I know it wasn't taking long, but being around the mounting chaos of this little family seemed like hours, rather than the minutes it really took.
The B&N employees were busy stocking the shelves, apparently oblivious to the hectic trio. The woman interrupted one to ask a question, holding her youngest child in her arms and one hand stretched out to signal "wait" to the older child. The employee replied "I'll go look," but halfway to a desk she stopped to visit with another customer. The exhaustion on this young mothers face was obvious; she had one book in hand, and appeared to be striking out in the children's section.
I heard the woman tell her children it was time to go. The older child had a book in his hands and said (loud enough for those nearby to hear clearly), "I want this Thomas book!" The woman said no, it was time to leave. "I want a Thomas book!" - the child raised his voice and added a whining tone for effect. The younger child pulled a book off a shelf. The woman's purse slipped from her arm as she reached to scoop up her youngest and grasp the whiny kids' hand.
Suddenly, this older child yelled "NO!" and lunged away from his mother. She reached for him, stepping to catch him. He took off, screaming "I WANT A THOMAS BOOK!!!" and running away from his mother. I heard her stay something along the lines of, "uh oh - that is a very bad choice. Come. Here. Now." Off he ran, though around the stacks of books, out of the children's section and down the center aisle of the store, screaming "I WANT IT!" and crying huge tears.
Now I'm a mom. I know that a child his apparent age is old enough to know better than to talk back to his mother or throw a huge tantrum. Pretty much every one of us in the store knows that. We craned our heads around bookshelves, staring at this crazy interaction of mother and child, waiting to see what she did. An employee near me (I think the one who was going to find the answer to this woman's question) made a comment about some author with a book about how to make sure kids don't do this type of thing...
Here are some of my thoughts from that moment: "Clearly that mother gives in to her kids fits. Obviously she has not set clear boundaries or followed-through on discipline consistently. I'm guessing those kids have more than a few items at home that were bought after such a show-down. Kids are so spoiled these days. What that kid needs is a good ______."
I am shocked and dismayed at my own callous attitude. Where did those criticisms come from? I didn't know the story on that woman or her children, right? Where is the grace? Where is my compassion and mercy for her? Where is the help?
Yet there are my thoughts, and I'm sure I had more criticisms about her running through my little judgemental mind. I may not have assaulted her physically, but my mind was beating her down faster than the kid could run. As she scooped up her screaming child, depositing her book on a shelf and hauled both kids out to the minivan, I kept thinking about all the mistakes she was making as a parent. All the reasons her children would grow up to be self-centered adults ran rampant through my mind.
And yet, as you have probably already guessed, this story is autobiographical. Today I went to B&N, with my kids, and that fit was thrown by dearest Obi-1. I wanted to find three items: the book Blue Like Jazz (for a sweet new friend). I also wanted to find a children's story about Moses & the exodus to lead us into Passover, and I was hoping to get my own copy of Grace Based Parenting, which I recently read and want to own. (It was probably good for the book's author & publisher that I was not carrying that in my arms as I struggled to get Obi-1 out the door.)
I will admit, Obi-1 was hungry, over-tired, and at the end of a long week without Daddy (who's been on a business trip). And yes, he was absolutely out of line in B&N today. The boys and I probably provided some good birth control today, and maybe spurred a few parents into some of those legalistic styles of parenting & discipline. Truth be told, I didn't set Obi-1 up for success, and he definitely didn't make very good choices on his own. When we got home, we had a serious conversation & consequences that will hopefully stick with his mind next time. We also had a sweet time of prayer - a boy and his mama, requesting forgiveness and receiving a fresh start, admitting our weakness and receiving strength.
What shocked me in thinking about it afterward was my own need for, and lack of, grace. I'm that woman. Those are my children. They were the ones who wouldn't, or couldn't, listen to me. I had a really important errand to do, and I thought I could get it done. It was too much, we weren't working together, and it didn't matter how simple or reasonable I thought it was. I had too much on my plate, and was trying to hurry. And worst of all, all of those judgements were running through my mind - beating myself up all the way home.
I'm fumbling through parenting, holding a picture in my mind of the end results, but not always sure how to get there. I am such a rules-follower, and generally, so are my boys. Rules can be good, but rules are not the means to our Father's approval, and that's the temptation I run to. If only I can do things just a little better, then He'll be happy with me, right?! If my kids say the right things and behave a certain way, then people will know we follow Christ, right? Problem is, that is the self-centered thinking that will only lead to despair, not hope.
That's not how I want others to see Jesus in me. There's nothing redemptive in my goodness. Not that I shouldn't or can't discipline myself (and my children) to choices that are in line with a holy God. But those choices aren't where my worth is found. That's where rules and discipline and behavior modification and great appearances lose their power.
In talking with Obi-1, I explained that God wants him to honor his mother and choose obedience over selfishness. When he chooses to listen and obey me, both Mama and God are happy. He recognized that, and he prayed so sweetly to ask forgiveness and help next time. And then the best part of the morning happened: I had a glimpse of the real-deal, end-of-the-story picture in my son. He finished what I started to say in conclusion, "Mama, God loves us, all the time, even if we're not good listeners."
Yes. God loves him. His poor behavior disappoints, but never removes him from a love that is insurmountable. If there is one thing I want my son to know for certain, it is the confidence Paul wrote about to the Romans:
For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord.Grace changes us and it changes other people. It shapes how we see and how we're seen. Today, my boys & I really needed grace and compassion. I could barely offer it to my children, and I definitely had little for myself. I was the woman everyone watched, nobody helped, and many may have judged. And yet, I was, and remain, truly loved.
1 comment:
OK - that was powerful. (And very well written!!) What a great testimony. Thanks for sharing!
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