stop it

Once in a while, my writing takes a serious turn.  Such is the case in this letter.  If you're searching for the fun things going on in the Kenobi household, skim ahead to other posts.  Or, for a fun clip and good advice, check out this link here.



November 15, 2010

Dear Mr. Bully,

Over the past year, you've gone from friend to foe in our household.  You've sent a vicious and relentless string of written and spoken tirades.  You've accused me of everything from ruining your marriage (which, may I remind you, was all but over before we knew one another), to ruining your career (which you had sorely neglected long before we met), to trying to steal your child (this one I can't even dignify, because it's so absurd).  You've sent vile and threatening messages to me, my husband, and my friends.  You've posted about me on social networking sites, and used others' accounts to stalk me online.  You've even written on my personal, (somewhat private) blog, and demanded I accommodate you by publishing your personal information there, as if it is a place for you to carry out your closing arguments against me.

When I've blocked your emails, you've changed accounts and forwarded messages to avoid spam filters.  When I've avoided you in person, you've followed me and hovered near enough to remain intimidating.  When I've told you to stop contacting me, you've replied - sometimes with crazy theories about why I deserve your attacks.  You've even text messaged me, asking for time and influence with my children.  (Are you kidding?!?!)  You'll tell any listening ear or reading eye that I'm a horrible person, and you're full of false accusations about me, my family, and our friends.  You've tried to vilify me to other parents and staff at our children's school.  You've lurked around me and my kids on the playground, watching our every move, and even parked yourself right outside my child's classroom.   You've spewed epic, extremist slurs of hatred and judgement against me and others, but never acknowledged the harm of your own words and behaviors.  You've been hateful, mean, and ridiculous.

You are, in every sense of the word, a complete bully.

Frankly, I think you are a jerk and an abuser, a coward who takes advantage of the immeasurable amount of grace others have shown you.  You are willing to hurt anyone - even your own spouse, child, and friends - to try to make yourself look right. You relentlessly use me and others as scapegoats for your own failures, blaming us for the consequences of your choices, instead of making something productive of your life.  And I, for one, am done putting up with it silently.

I have a life, a family, friends, and interests.  I have concerns, work, and relationships my own.  I have a real, imperfect, and yet vibrantly growing relationship with the God that you claim is condemning me.  Guess what - the bible you love to misuse says that God doesn't condemn me.  Moreover, he is incredibly loving and gracious!  If you knew Him, you'd know that.  In fact, because I know God and his grace, I have forgiven you and wish you complete healing.   However, I will not create space for you to hurt us any further.  I have moved on, sir, and I've left you and your angry malice in the past.

Let's be clear: I am not asking you to apologize for all of the hurtful things you've said, though an apology is certainly deserved.  I'm not asking you to repay the wasted hours we've spent listening to you and responding carefully.  Nor do I ask that you acknowledge the crushing disappointment of realizing that good friends and a supportive community would not help you start on a path toward health.  I'm not asking you to agree or compromise with anyone, nor be supportive of me, my family, or my friends.  I'm not even asking you to focus your professional expertise, training, and time doing some actual work.  It is frustrating, however, that you claim to pursue justice for the oppressed, yet seem content sitting at your computer and going after innocent people relentlessly and maliciously.

Honestly, you've caused many people to wonder if you've completely lost it and are able of carrying out some of the threats you spout against them.  You could get help, change and repair some of this damage, but I suspect you may continue wasting your time and talents.  Get counseling, get a job, or get a new fantasy.   Live in truth, or live a lie.  Do what you want with your life - just leave mine alone!

Whether you are incredibly evil or incredibly crazy, I can't figure out.  It doesn't matter, because I don't want to hear from you again.  Ever.  I'm telling you the same thing I've told you dozens of times before: Leave. Me. Alone.

I'm done asking you and finished pleading with you.  I am demanding that you cease any and all contact with me.  I have a right to be free from your harassment and intimidation.  My children have a right to be free from worry about what you're plotting against their mother.  My husband has the right to work without your relentless and ridiculous attacks.   Stop contacting us, stop stalking me, and stop using my name, presence, and reputation as the excuse for every problem in your sorry life.  I'm not at fault, and I'm tired of being a victim of your insecurities and delusions.

And for the other readers of this blog, the ones who wonder why I went from posting regularly about our life to carefully avoiding this bully, well...  now you know a little bit of the story.   I have spent far too much time and energy putting up with his crazy, malicious, pathetic attacks.  This is my blog, and I'm choosing to speak out.


Sincerely,
MamaToo

bully

Hi Friends and Family,

I've changed some settings on here to no longer allow free posting of comments. I'm very sorry, as I've never before wanted to restrict free dialog on this blog. However, recently, a reader chose to use this place to continue and escalate his pattern of harrassment toward me and my family. Obviously, I can't keep anyone from reading my public posts, which is why I try to be as private and respectful as possible here. While I'm not a fan of punishing all because of one person's misdeeds, this particular person has made many attempts to hurt me, my friends, and others in the Kenobi family over the past months. I've tried various ways to ask or tell this person not to contact me, but his recent comments prove he's not through attacking and harrassing me. Perhaps sharing my experience can prove useful to others...

As a result of all of this, Mr. Kenobi & I decided that restricting comments will hopefully help keep this blog a safer place for our updates, while still allowing us to freely share our lives with friends and family. (If you're wondering, it was his initial communication with me earlier this year that caused a sudden halt in posts. I am hoping these changes will help me feel comfortable writing here again.)

Anyway, I hope all will understand.

- MamaToo

o mama where art thou

So, it seems I have fallen away from updating this little spot of internet. Guilt could overrun me, but there is so much going on that I can hardly take the time to feel guilty. Here's a sampling of what has kept me from blogging lately...

Gardening.

We officially have a garden this year, and it's actually producing veggies! Our lot is quite shady, with many trees. As nice as that is to hide out from the heat, it has made growing sun-loving veggies nearly impossible. In years past, I planted tomatoes in pots, hoping to keep them in the sunshine to ripen. I ended up hauling them around to different spots in the morning and afternoon, finally moving them to my neighbors' yard! This year, in a final attempt to grow my favorites, I talked Mr. Kenobi into a planter box in the one consistently sunny area of backyard. Then, we talked our neighbor into letting us trim her maple tree back so that more morning sun could get to our spot. Last week, I hauled several tomatoes over to her in appreciation!

We have lots of tomatoes, peppers, zucchini, cucumbers, peas, pole beans, and a large herb garden, and harvest season has begun!

Projects.

When my parents came out to meet Obi-3 and visit us, my dad (Papa) helped Mr. Kenobi reconfigure our deck and build new stairs. Mr. Kenobi then stripped the whole thing, and we've nearly finished staining it. Before, the deck was basically a large pass-through to the yard, and I couldn't see the kids if I was inside. Now, our deck has become an elevated part of our small landscape, and flows right out the backyard for fun times I can oversee while making dinner!

Dad also taught me to spray paint while he was here, and I'm just a bit more crafty now! At only a month into his little life, Obi-3 slept for over an 8-hour stretch. It was the first time since early pregnancy that I'd had such a nice night sleep! I woke up so energized that I pulled out two sets of chairs we'd stopped using, setup a little shop in the backyard, and began painting. Now I have "new" chairs, and we're in process of finishing the wooden seats for the white ones so that set will sit on our "new" deck.

Running Around.

With capital letters, no less. I signed the boys up for swimming lessons, which are every day around noon. It is a lot of running, but they're loving it and I'm happy to see them really learning to swim. In one summer, they've gone from reluctant to get their faces splashed to full-on crawl strokes and easy floating. Meanwhile, I sit by the side of the pool with baby Obi, and chat with other parents I would never have met otherwise.

In addition, to go with that fresh produce from our yard, we've done lots of fruit picking at local farms. Strawberries, blueberries, a few raspberries, and even peaches - and the jams, frozen fruit, and pies to go with them! Picking is all within a few miles of home, and yet so rural you can really feel like you've traveled far.

Receiving.

This is the hardest part, quite frankly. Nearly all of my summer has been filled with receiving grace, help, meals, and love from others. Why is that so hard?!? We had meals delivered for nearly a month after Obi-3 was born. We have had parties planned and hosted to celebrate our family. We've had, (as mentioned), neighbors and family help us create backyard space to enjoy together. Friends have taken the noisy older boys (another post entirely) so that I could relax, take a nap, or return to staff meetings.

Reflecting.

Honestly, it's overwhelming to receive such help. At times, I just want to be self-sufficient. I want to be able to do everything myself. To have it "together," whatever that looks like. To make fantastic homemade meals with fresh produce, and sit on freshly redone furniture in a sparkling house, and have everyone smiling after every day. I'd like to do it all, do it well, and do it all myself. It seems I'm not much better than a toddler when I think about it that way!

Truth is, I don't have it together. There are mornings that getting everyone - including myself - breakfast is a major accomplishment. There are moments when I am filled with frustration at young behavior, and have to remind myself that my children need a lot of help and grace, too. There are days when I sit down and cry because it's harder than I thought it would be to be a mama of three. There are evenings when I reflect on something from the day and think, "I should really blog this."

Some things can only be done by me, like feeding Baby Obi, blogging, or sleeping. So I think, "blog, or sleep?" And the answer to that - well, you can tell from the post lists around here... Thanks for understanding.

Love,

MamaToo

listening

It's been a season of listening... and I'm finding much to hear.  The boys & I just got back from a church staff retreat (yes, I said "staff," as in "semi-employed," as in that's probably where my volunteer status is headed...)  While there, the team enjoyed some intense coaching and reflection.  We also tackled important questions, like, "Why am I?" and "Who am I?"  It was good to consider these for myself, but even better to listen to the answers, passions, dreams, gifts, and talents of the amazing people who make up this group.

I'm also listening more and more to my children.  Conversations are getting more complex around here, with reasons and wonderings and interests traveling beyond breakfast choices.  I like this stage of motherhood!  My boys are interesting, and their ideas and comments make me laugh, and sometimes make me wonder, and often make me perk up my ears to listen intently.

The neighborhood is talking and changing, as our dear Mary next door adjusts to less independence, better care, and more caretakers in her home.  I'm thankful she can be home and healthy, and even more thankful that I'm able to listen more without being a caretaker.  This is far more sustainable for our friendship.

I'm happily listening to less punditry and campaigning, and bending my ear to the realities of the next season of leadership locally and nationally.  I'm trying not to listen to those who think we're doomed, nor those who think they've elected a savior.  Neither are very balanced views, in my opinion.

I've been knee-deep (and sometimes over my head) in listening to my favorite words, too, as the boys and I have decided to memorize some bible verses together.  We started with 1 Corinthians 13, and slowly walked through its definition of love.  I enjoy this discipline of joining them in an adventure of listening and understanding.

We're listening to new toe-tapping, booty-shaking music, too.  I've just ordered the new Johnny B CD - a favorite artist we know well from our old 'hood in Seattle.  The new album looks like a lot of fun.  

Finally, I'm listening to you, my friends & family, who want to hear more often from this little update spot.  I promise to try harder in the coming weeks.  It is a delicate balance to listen well & write often, as time is hard to spend in both places.  Nonetheless, I know it's important to stay in touch, so I hereby say, "I hear you!" and will start posting more!  In the meantime, thanks for listening patiently.

much love,

MamaToo

vacated

Did you wonder if I made a sand castle on that beach and decided to live there forever?  

Well, sort of.   I've been busy enough with my real life that blogging about it hasn't fit in.  Also, I've been writing more than ever - but mostly stuff I'm not ready to publish.  So, if you've missed me, I'm sorry.  There are new bikes and new adventures and new funnies and even a few new rabbit trails in faith to share with you.

Welcome back.

you've been blogged

Initially, this space was a way to express my thoughts in some creative (and positive) fashion. It quickly evolved to update friends and family on our life. What happened next has taken me off guard, I suppose because I wasn't sure anyone would take the time to read this and I didn't really understand blogs. Not only do many friends & family check it out (hi dad!), but many people I don't know show up regularly to catch up on the Kenobi household. Even when comments are scarce, the little counter-gizmo I have tells me that dozens, hundreds, or more people are hanging out here. Honestly, I'm not sure what to make of it.

It seems a little like navel-gazing to blog about blogging, but here goes... On occassion, somebody does or says something in my presence that cries out to be shared. My husband, kids, and friends have all heard me comment, "you've been blogged!" to their stories. They may check later and see I never did publish their tale, however. Do they wonder why?

When I'm poised to write something funny or maddening or puzzling, I often stop because I'm not sure how the story might be interpreted. Art has a funny way of reflecting things that weren't intended by the artist. As hard as I try, sometimes I don't truly honor my husband or family or friends with my thoughts. I don't want to make those moments worse by broadcasting things to a wider audience.

Other authors do things differently, and certainly many blogs have hundreds of devoted readers and thousands of "lurkers" in the internet shadows. When I read their writings, I see the talent and work required to maintain that sort of space. There is income to be made, if only one draws enough people to enough pages for enough time. It is a tough balance for those who walk that road. I see the humor, grace, carelessness, or vulnerability they demonstrate. They share lots of photos, real names and places, and detailed stories. Perhaps I'm too cautious... or perhaps I'm not cautious enough.

I always hope that my words on this blog reflect the grace I've received. So, many "bloggable" stories stay unpublished around here. Many more remain completely unwritten. If I were a better author, or more sure of the technology, I might have more to say. For now, that's why you haven't been blogged.

love,
MamaToo

technology, smechnology

You may be wondering why I've posted so little here lately. Or, maybe you're not wondering. After all, there's only a handful of people who read this, and you're all busy folks. Anyway, in case you were wondering (or now you are wondering), here's why the posts have dropped off:

I am having technical difficulties.

Our computer is aging. It's a bit over 7 years old, which is about 112 in computer years. This sweet little Dell has been good to us. However, it seems time to let our friend retire. It is no longer keeping up with the technical demands of the Kenobi family.

The problem is that, for me, a new computer rides along that fine line between need and want. We do nearly all of our accounting, bill paying, communication with family & friends, and much of our shopping via computer. We store nearly all of our photos, music, and important files on here. I routinely use the computer to find or store recipes, calendars, medical notes, write the nursery curriculum & schedules, and do my "consulting" work. I could say we really do need a good computer.

(And yes, we back things up. Because it would be a major inconvenience (scary!) to lose it all.)

But truthfully, this computer does everything we need... just not everything I want. It is trying - really trying - to keep up with the demands of blogger, Explorer, itunes, outlook, excel, picasa, facebook, sitebuilder, frontpage, etc. As these programs get more sophisticated and I start to use them more, the computer processes ever more slowly. Do I need this? Do I want it? In thinking through good stewardship & personal relationships - is a new computer warranted?

I've had to start removing things from my "to do" list for the truly essential things. As much as I like this bloggety-thing, it rightfully falls behind making dinner, paying bills or writing my brother in Iraq. It is an outlet for my creative juices, thoughts (rarely profound), and desire to keep connected. So, it could be valuable time - if it weren't so often wasted while I wait for my computer to process or crash.

This is all to say we'd like to purchase a new computer, and I'm telling you for two reasons:

1. Solicit your advice: mac or PC?
2. Preface my upcoming blog series about Advent. As you will (hopefully) soon read here, we're doing some things this year to draw attention to spending & celebrating. It would seem a little hypocritical to approach that without sharing this decision.

Thanks for the patience & thoughts!

love,
MamaToo

tagged: eight things, plus five more

I spoke to my mom, back in South Dakota, today. They were enjoying the "pleasantly warm" and "comfortable" temperatures. The forecast for our two towns are approximately the same tomorrow: somewhere in the upper-90's. :)

On a seemingly unrelated note, a dear fellow writer, Proverbs 31, tagged me to write a list. It seems that this whole "tagged" business is both a compliment by the "tagger" and a kick-in-the-pants for me to write more. Keep the compliments flowing - I love compliments. I really, really, love compliments. Even sarcastic ones. But I must ask that you all, like my friend Proverbs 31, kick lightly, okay? I've been writing a lot lately - look here! (Yes, honestly, most were just finishing drafts, but still - it counts, right?)

Her list was about her faith, written with honesty and beautiful vulnerability. As I mentioned, however, t's hot here, so my brain is not geared toward writing especially beautiful or vulnerable posts. In honor of the brain-melting temperatures, I'm keeping things light.

So, here are eight reasons I love the hot weather of summer. For all of you rainy, cool-climate loving neighbors of mine, much love and sympathy (somewhere behind my giggles at your complaints!) Come over and we can make ice cream. And don't worry, the clouds will return soon. They always do.

Okay, I'm cheating & doing a Thursday Thirteen rather than just a "Tagged 8" list. If you just wanted eight things, watch for the stop sign.

1. Sprinklers. As much as I hate wasting water, there is something really fun about jumping through the spray of an old-fashioned sprinkler, slowly getting wetter and wetter until your shorts are gripping your thighs as you run. Not pretty, but very fun.

2. Sun screen. I love the smell. Weird? Probably, but it makes me think of making castles on the beach while sand stuck to the Coppertone lotion on my legs and back. I also like writing letters or words on the boys' backs as we put on the sunscreen.

3. Boating. We live on a river (actually, 2), here and there are tons of boats. Unfortunately, we do not have one, but I have fond memories of boating and...

4. Water-skiing. I miss the tug of a ski-rope in my hands, the spray of the wake, the tension and balance of cutting back and forth behind the boat. Water skiing holds a bit of magic in my family; once upon a time, a young guy didn't believe his friend's claim that a girl in town could ski so well she'd start out of the water backwards & barefoot. She could, and she proved it, and he was so impressed he asked her out on a date. A bit later, they married, and then had me... and my brother... and my other brother... and she still water skis today (maybe only a little bit more cautious!) My mom taught us all to ski, while dad drove the boat. She even taught Mr. Kenobi to ski - way back when he was just that cute college "friend" of her daughter's. Someday we will get to go boating again, and MamaToo will show her boys how to water ski!

5. Salads. I love fruit & veggies, and summer brings out the freshest produce. When I was a kid, we had an enormous garden, and I had to help with all of the hard work of planting, weeding, tending, watering, weeding, etc. before harvest. You'd think I would have grown-up to love gardening, but no! I grew up to love shopping at farmers' markets. :)

6. Ice Cream. Good thing I like salads, eh? Ice cream is a staple in the summer... somewhere between dinner and breakfast, Mr. Kenobi & I enjoy a heaping bowl of Breyer's. Believe it or not, I love vanilla best. Chocolate, strawberry, mint chocolate-chip, or coffee are other favorites. (Someday, I must share a funny story about the question of favorite ice cream flavors. It involves my friend Maria and a church visit, but that's the only hint for now.)

7. Sunglasses. It is my little way of feeling like a celebrity. My boys wear theirs inside as much as outside, and it makes me giggle to walk through the grocery aisles as if we're hiding our identities from the paparazzi.

8. Air conditioning. We don't have it in the house, but I sure love the stores that do. Not that I really need an excuse to love shopping...

IF YOU ONLY WANTED TO KNOW EIGHT THINGS, STOP HERE. :)

9. Skirts. True, I could wear them anytime, but there's something about hot days of sumer that makes me want to pull out a favorite linen skirt and tank top and pull my longish (getting longer!) hair up into a ballerina-style bun. And, as long as we're talking what-not-to-wear...

10. Flip-flops. Again, probably could wear these all the time (who am I kidding? I do wear them all the time!), but there is no better thing to keep your tootsies off the hot pavement while strolling around the block.

11. Sitting in my basement and playing with the boys. Our playroom is in our basement. Yes, it is a definitely luxury to have a playroom. And a basement. But normally I feel a little guilty if we hang out down there too long, like I should be getting them outside. In the hot days, however, I'm really happy to just hang out and build train tracks or play instruments (like the drums!) with the kiddos.

12. Cool nights. Just when the house is getting too stuffy to handle any more, evening hits and the temperatures begin to drop. Usually, by the boy's bedtime, we can throw open windows, put fans in front of the screens, and let the night air in. I love that feeling of fresh, whoooshing air breezing through the house.

13. Slowing down. Some people have to keep up their hectic daily pace or work & activity, with no difference between February and July. I know it's a luxury to have the freedom to re-vamp my schedule and just hang out when the weather gets hot. I appreciate it. Hot weather calls for a slower pace, sipping cold water, and deciding that finding the shady spot for a picnic or filling up the kiddie-pool is your highest priority of the day.

Thanks, Proverbs 31, for some good reading & an excuse to write again today. Thanks, too, for all of the Thirteeners out there with lists of your own. Enjoy the heat! And now, since I completely tossed most of the rules, here's one more twist: if you've read this, and think you're up for the challenge, write your own list and link it in my comments. :)

tagged

Thank you, Mallory. I was just starting to feel like maybe - just maybe - I could get my enormous "to do" list taken care of this week, and I got tagged. :) Now, all other writing will have to wait, as will the laundry. I know it's quite sweet that you thought of me in the first place. Frankly, I was tempted to make it all about you, and give seven links to my favorite posts on your site, but I wasn't sure if you would approve of my cheating. Plus, I'm supposed to tag 7 other people, and you've already chosen Wacky Mommy, so I need to get writing before any more time is lost thinking. ;)

This is supposed to be seven random things about me. For a fleeting moment, I tried thinking of something really insightful. Yeah, right. Like you need to hear more navel-gazing. So, here goes. Seven random facts about yours truly.

1. I plan our weekly meals, then do all of my grocery shopping on Mondays. This saves me money & time, and my boys get snacks from Anastasia, the beautiful and talented samples lady.

2. I had a tap (dancing) scholarship for college.

3. I am desperately afraid of heights. Open staircases can cause me to gasp. I cannot climb a latter to paint trim. Yet, one of my life goals is to try bungee-jumping.

4. I spent a month in Germany when I was 9 years old. My parents were back at home as I visited friends who lived there. This was before Germany was united, so officially I only visited West Germany. I even joined my young friends for a couple weeks of school. My German classmates made fun of me for being different (um, ya' think?!) by taunting me in Spanish. Yes, Spanish.

5. I dropped German in order to learn Spanish in high school. Today, however, I cannot fluently speak any other language.

6. I am the laundry fairy. This is probably the one job where I would consider joining a union.

7. I do marketing consulting, and sometimes I'm paid for it. It's not a lot of work - certainly not enough to call a "job," but it keeps me sharp & I enjoy the work. My clients endure conference calls where they might hear me say things like, "Yes, I can re-format the ezine by Tuesday - WAIT Obi-2! Don't flush it down the toilet! - and then would you like me to figure out multi-color print option for the other piece?"

And now, my turn. Consider yourself tagged:
Maria, Llama Mama, Shannon, Craver Vii, Daring Young Mom, Erika, Proverbs31

why writing takes more time than we've had

When my mom comes to town, I feel almost as disconnected as when I leave. This isn't entirely bad... a little vacation from all things normal can be nice. However, the week slips by me with none of our weekly routine intact, blogging included.

So, sorry about the absence of my updates here. Mom gives me a lot of material (mostly funny) to write about. There are also some fun updates on the boys. Oh - and I have a couple new recipes and some home decorating projects accomplished. I will get this into words soon; I promise.

In the meantime, I need a little break.