somebody more like you

“I hope you meet someone your height
so you can see eye to eye
with someone as small as you…
…I hope you find somebody more like you.”
~ Nickel Creek

“Just as iron sharpens iron,
friends sharpen the minds of each other.”
~ Proverbs 27:17

I sense a conflict in our culture. The northwest is a very peace-loving, diversity-embracing sort of place, not only in its politics, but in how friends and neighbors interact. While I appreciate the polite nature of folks, sometimes it seems like we are superficial. Instead of really embracing others as they are, we’re often just avoiding differences. People talk about diversity, but mean sameness. There's a sense that if we can just avoid bringing up our differences, we can pretend or prove that we’re really the same. Everyone is equal. We do and say what is right in our own eyes, and we'll avoid those who say or do what is wrong in our own eyes. It happens no matter how far left or right people lean. It happens almost without our notice.

This twists its way into our willingness to hear and see the disagreeable. It creeps into attitudes and schedules, dragging us into dull relationships. We pretend (maybe even genuinely believe) to be open minded, but we end up harshly judging and avoiding anyone who speaks in disagreement with us. We fool ourselves into thinking that it’s healthy to only invest our time and energy in others who are like us. It is not.

We need to be challenged, sharpened, rebuked, encouraged, and engaged.

There is great joy in relationships that challenge my mind and heart. When we moved here, we were excited about our new neighborhood, in part, because it has a lot of diversity. While much has changed in recent years, it still bears scars and honors of its history. I find many benefits of this urban place; I hope perhaps we’ll be less likely to slink into complacency, and our children might witness our faith as more than talk or ideas. There are many who seem to do this intentionally, as Erika’s life and writing from the margins can testify. These are the stories and lives that inspire me.

Sure, it’s more comfortable to be around people who are as right as you are about child-rearing, war, God, marriage, art, work, money, and everything else you find important. It’s also easy for like to attract like because most of us know where to go, how to speak, and how to quickly size others up. We love our spam-filtering, caller-ID, car-in-the-garage world. It’s easy to avoid those who don’t fit our target profile. I want to work against this temptation to cast judgment and cast out.

Maybe you can relate. I enjoy reading. Though limited in uninterrupted time, I’m starting to prefer the paperless options of websites and blogs. It’s cheap and convenient; it's also effective clutter-control! I can easily find current events from every angle. I love recipes I can download and use at-will. Parenting subjects are available at the click of a button, and there are many blogs who can give me a laugh or offer encouragement.

While full of options, it's very easy way to find people who think like me. It's also easy to find myself in the more challenging topics and conversations. Unfortunately, I’m not a professional writer, and often what I type & what I mean are read differently. There are also no systems of accountability online, unlike neighbors or friends with phone numbers and addresses. I am keenly aware that online relationships, however powerful or thought-provoking or comfortable, cannot replace face-to-face, life-along-life relationships.

Recently, I was reading Shannon’s blog and a great piece on what she called “Momma Code.” One of its many comments was very honest and vulnerable. To paraphrase, the reader said that she preferred being alone to trying to make friends with somebody who didn’t share her views or interests. I don’t want to slam this woman, because I actually think she’s saying what most of us think: “It’s really not worth my time to invest in you if you’re wrong so often.” Why would we spend our time with somebody who thinks differently than us?

Is it possible that surrounding ourselves with our own likeness might be flat-out idolatry? If we allow ourselves to get too comfy with those who pat us on the back and make us feel “in,” we build a very self-centered culture that will impact many future generations. This is part of my motivation to engage people who force me to think, struggle, and stop relying on myself.

However, I’m sure at least one of my friends is reading this and thinking about a call to be “equally yoked.” While I think that biblical passage (2 Corinthians 6:14) is far too often taken out of context and loosely applied in error, I do recognized the joy and blessing of relationships with those who share my values and world view. It’s just that the legalistic application, (that we cannot or should not engage those who are not “one of us”), seems like the well-rebuked attitude of a Pharisee. I do enjoy friends and read writers who make me laugh or cry or nod in agreement. The Daring One is good for a frequent giggle and nod. Llama Mama has a true gift of style, weaving truth, humor, and honesty in her writing, usually giving me a glimpse of how another woman lives out her faith in everyday circumstances. Maria, through her deeply personal entries, can take me from laughter to sympathy within paragraphs.

Some people may challenge me on one day and speak directly to my heart on another. Should I avoid the occasional disagreements, even on major issues? Is there still value in hearing the other person? I think it’s important to find ourselves in friendships, readings, and discussions that do not always pander to our own views. When Mallory recently wrote about body image in thoughtful and personal terms, I appreciated the challenge to consider my own prejudices, notions, and solutions along with her. Wacky Mommy can make me laugh with her glimpses of life, though sometimes I disagree with her.

Reading material is only a start. Relationships (real ones) that do not challenge us cannot help us grow. In order for iron to sharpen iron, there must be contact and it will be abrasive at times. What friendships challenge us? Who makes me think? When do we laugh? What does it look like to relax and be known? Why do I invest my time? Why should they invest in me?

I think avoiding people who are different begins with how we treat the ideas and things we don't like. Sometimes we find offense in media, writing, or movies. A common reaction is a lot of hot-air blowing and threats. While I’m not a fan of frequent boycotting, I also don’t go out of my way to see or read something uninteresting. Authors and producers purposely create controversy in order to stir interest and recognition of their work. I think it’s an important skill to recognize when something is basically marketing. I don't want to be trapped by somebody trying to sell or gain from the controversy.

However, this forces me to think of raising children who are lights in a dark world. It is easier, in my mama instincts, to avoid all potential dangers. I want to shield my children from harm. This is our honor and responsibility, as guardians of such precious gifts. However, we must carefully consider the danger of avoidance as well as exposure. There is danger of lost opportunity for spiritual growth, intellectual stimulation, and character development every time we avoid somebody or something that is different.

I don’t want my children engaging a lot of controversy at young ages, partly to guard their mind and developing imaginations from influences I dislike. I must be careful, however, to avoid treating pieces of art, heard or seen, as evil or dangerous. If we see the object as depraved and lost, rather than the artist, we lose the opportunity to exercise compassion or share truth. Kids who avoid differences, who haven’t been allowed to develop critical thinking and faith, may be set up for serious mistakes and regrets far past my moments of influence.

We grow in faith through the real trials, testing, and wrestling with truth, not theoretical or ideological concepts. As my children enter years of discerning what they hear, read, and watch, and who they are with, I hope I’m willing to get their (and my) minds and hearts stirred. May I rely more on prayer, discernment, and a loving, gracious Keeper of promises, and be released from the traps of avoiding the others.