unsolicited advice

Parenting seems to bring out the opinions, insecurities, and judgementalism in us all. When I led parent groups, sleep was a universal topic and struggle, and yet it (along with feeding) often proved to be divisive . Isn't that crazy? These are basic human needs, and they shouldn't be reasons to convict one another - out loud or in our thoughts.

With our babies, we've had a combination of sleeping arrangements, including co-sleeping in our "family bed" We got a lot of advice in many directions (most of it unsolicited), but our main objective was for everyone to get as much sleep as possible. It worked for us, but it has sure raised some interesting conversations.

I've heard from people who think - or know from their own experience - that their children will not sleep well independently if they have a family bed. Others are concerned that they, (the parents) won't have the independence they want if their babies share the master bedroom. These concerns may be valid, or they may be fear-based anxieties of exhausted parents. Who, besides the parent, knows?

I know many people with newborns, or young babies, and they are going bonkers with sleeplessness. Sometimes they're unable or unwilling to ignore the cries of their baby in the other room. Some don't have the support of a spouse who's willing to try anything new. There is so much out there to make you think you're a bad mommy if you don't do ____. We have the grandparents, the friends, and then... the BOOKS! Everything seems to point to how we can scar our child's development forever with how we all sleep tonight. I don't want to minimize some of the facts, but also want to remind my friends of how marketing - and therefore, drama - is necessary to keep experts in business.

It is very hard to appease everyone else, so do yourself and your baby a favor and stop trying. Put down the books, hang up the phone, and realize that every soul on this planet needs sleep. Nobody has to be taught this need; it's built into our beings. Routine, however, (especially western clock-and-schedule-driven routine) must be taught. If you and your child will have to live by a strict routine, you'll probably make different decisions then somebody who has chosen to consider needs and priorities on a case-by-case basis.

So do whatever is the most loving thing for your spouse and your child. Take care of yourself, and remember that you are needed and they adore you dearly. If you can get sleep, love your child, and give your husband some time snuggling all of you together in a family bed, go with it. If another option works for you and you are happy with the results, then know that I - and the silent majority of fellow parents - support you.

This, too, shall pass. Your child will outgrow it in a blink of time. Before long he'll ask for a "big boy bed," then you'll blink again and it will be a cell phone, then more money for college.